Tuesday, September 14, 2010

O GLUTTONY, GLUTTONY! WHEREFORE ART THOU, GLUTTONY?

Photoshop alteration by Mr. Eclectic

I noticed three things about her. As she walked through the door, her fallalery was at once inescapable, prismatic and almost blinding. The longer she stayed, the more apparent her appetency became. And finally, the logorrhea with which she was obviously afflicted, seemed to be of no bother to her or her friend, but of great disdain to everyone else around her.

So now that we’ve covered three of this week’s words to know, let’s take a closer look.

The door opened and with almost simultaneous movement, just about everyone in the restaurant shifted their gaze to the twenty-something woman walking through. Perhaps the most glaring statement of her apparel was the tie-dyed tank top with the words, “F#&K MINIMALISM.” It was roughly hand-applied with a rainbow of glitter and outlined with appliquéd shards of plastic jewels. There were at least a half-dozen chains around her neck, an equal number around each wrist and ankle, rings on every finger, a nose-ring with a chain looped to an earring, at least a half-dozen studs in each earlobe and just to mix things up a bit, some makeup that looked like a hybrid of goth and high fashion. Her shredded jeans were garishly pockmarked with plastic jewels, as if to compete with her similarly shredded and decorated jean purse. To say she was bejeweled would be a gross understatement. There was no doubt that she was deeply committed to her tank-top’s proclamation. (And if you haven’t figured it out yet, fallalery is showy articles of dress.)

The restaurant served up a limitless buffet, and though her appetite was more Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” than Aesop’s “The Ass and the Grasshopper,” her body was more wisp than whale. It was almost entertaining to watch this little lass pile up full plate followed by even fuller plates followed by overloaded plates of food enough to give a sumo wrestler a stomach ache. Yet she consumed it all with nary a hiccup or burp. In the universe of all-you-can-eat buffets, she was the dark hole from which no crumb could escape. It wasn’t so much that she seemed to eat anything and everything, but that she kept eating and eating and eating. (Think you know what appetence is? It’s a craving, as in, she had an appetence for eating).

And what about her logorrhea? Let’s make this one easy. Break up the word logorrhea into its two parts. Logo, an alteration of the Greek word logos, meaning words. And rrhea, as in diarrhea, as in diarrhea of the mouth. That’s right, little miss “notice-me,” the anti-minimalist in fashion and the pro-maximumist in eating, was also someone who wouldn’t or couldn’t shut up. That’s right, she was talking when she came, she talked while loading up her plates, she talked with food in her mouth. Thank God she occasionally took a breath in and drink once in a while. She talked while paying her bill and she talked while she walked out the door. She talked while heading toward her car and continued talking after she got in her car. And as if to punctuate her nonstop soliloquy, the rear end of her car was plastered with bumper stickers full of more and more words.

As the din of her dining blissfully faded and I reflected on the ripple effect of her presence, I realized a sad truth. She was not the stone that created the ripple. Rather, she is the ripple. And the stone that caused her is the gluttony that surrounds us all the time.

Okay, so she was perhaps more a rogue wave than a benign ripple, but the fact remains that in America we are living in gluttonous times.

Think about it the next time you walk into a grocery store. Or you want to buy a car. Or you contemplate the size of government.

Or maybe you just want to collect the different kinds of quarters issued by the U.S. Mint since 1999. Think it's maybe a dozen or so? Try more than a hundred. More than two hundred if you count each quarter produced in the Denver and the Philadelphia mints (each quarter is stamped with the letter of the mint, making each one slightly different). It started with a new quarter for each of the fifty states releasing five designs per year over ten years. And as if that weren’t enough, the U.S. Mint decided to release 6 more different quarter designs last year to commemorate Guam, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, the Virgin Islands, the Mariana Islands, and the District of Columbia.

Still not enough different quarter designs?

This year, the U.S. Mint launched its America the Beautiful program which eventually will issue 56 more quarter designs, with each mint giving its lettered difference.

Not satisfied yet? How about adding the Mint’s silver proof sets. Or maybe the silver bullion quarters might satiate that appetence.

No longer do we wonder when enough is enough. We now begin to wrestle with when enough is still too much.

It’s long past the time to simplify, to unclutter, and to unburden our lives. But that’s okay. As the old saying goes:

Better late than never.




Monday, September 13, 2010

I WILL BE SO HAPPY WHEN WE DON’T HAVE TO PARK BY THE BUDDY SYSTEM ANY MORE


It’s Monday the Thirteenth. Don’t forget to chuckle.

Friday, September 10, 2010

LEST WE EVER FORGET, SEPTEMBER 11, 2001 …




I remember exactly where I was the morning of September 11, 2001, when the news was announced that the United States was attacked in New York City.



8:46 a.m., a Boeing 767 jet crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Aboard the hijacked American Airlines Flight 11 were two pilots, nine flight attendants, and 81 passengers. All aboard died.



9:03 a.m., approximately seventeen minutes later, a second Boeing 767 jet crashed into the South Tower of the World Trade Center. Aboard the hijacked United Airlines Flight 175 were two pilots, seven flight attendants, and 56 passengers. All aboard died.



9:37 a.m., less than an hour after the first attack, a Boeing 757 jet crashed into the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia. Aboard the hijacked American Airlines Flight 77 were two pilots, four flight attendants, and 58 passengers. All aboard died.



9:59 a.m., the South Tower collapses.



10:03 a.m., about an hour and fifteen minutes after the first attack, a second Boeing 757 jet crashes into a wooded area near Shanksville, Pennsylvania. Aboard the hijacked United Airlines Flight 93 were two pilots, five flight attendants, and 38 passengers. It was believed that the jet was heading toward either the U.S. Capitol or the White House. Some of the passengers aboard that flight, overtook the hijackers, forcing the jet to crash before reaching its believed destination. All aboard died.



10:28 a.m., the North Tower collapses.

5:21 p.m., World Trade Center #7 collapses, having been damaged when the North Tower collapsed.



September11News.com - Attack Images and Graphics. The September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks and hijackings in the USA on the World Trade Center towers in New York City and The Pentagon in Washington D.C. The attack on America on 09-11-2001 is a day of infamy. September 11 News has captured the news event with archived news, images, photos, pictures, news graphics, headlines of the day, web site archives, and the world's reaction.

In all, almost 3,000 people died in the attacks.


File:September 17 2001.jpg

The devastation not only of the Twin Towers, but of the many buildings at Ground Zero was horrific. The financial cost ran into the tens of billions of dollars. The financial hit to the U.S. and world stock markets was well over $1 Trillion.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

FROM CORPULENT COWS TO BABY BUNNIES, WE’RE ALL TOGETHER IN THIS METHANE MESS


“Oh geez, E,” she sighed with resignation, “do you have to fart in the car?”

Having just finished reading Benjamin Franklin’s Thirteen Virtues, and feeling a bit smart-ish (yes, that can be a word), I responded, “Well, according to Ben Franklin, I’m to let all things have their places, and let each part of my business have its time.”

She looked at me … actually, she gave me that look … and said, “You’re saying Ben Franklin told you to fart in the car? Really?”

“Well-l-l-l, no. But in my defense, I didn’t think it would be so fetid.”

Okay. So it wasn’t a defense, and I should have had a semblance of consideration for her, and not squeezed cheese in a small enclosure, but …

It reminded me of when one of my daughters asked, “Do bunnies fart?”

Rabbit farting

http://www.sciencemuseum.org.uk/onlinestuff/snot/do_rabbits_fart.aspx


I’m sure I gave her some sort of creative, funny and perhaps marginally accurate answer, but the right answer is, of course, yes.

People fart. Bunnies fart. Cows fart. Heck, even women have been known to gently and genteelly pass wind.

But I was surprised to learn that the worst offender of flailing flatulence is … termites. With billions of the insects around the world, eating 24/7, that means they’re also manufacturing methane gas and expelling it into the atmosphere and contributing to the global warming concern. It’s just one more reason to be concerned about termites invading your home.

So now you have a little tidbit to throw into the middle of a boring conversation at that next dinner party you have to attend. Aa-a-and, you’re welcome.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

THE WORLD WOULD BE OKAY, IF IT WASN’T FOR ALL THOSE “OTHER” PEOPLE


“I hate Christians,” was his opening salvo. “Especially those ‘born-again’ Christians. They’re the most hateful, mean-spirited, racist, homophobic, close-minded, judgemental a$s#o1es I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet. Why don’t they just all die and go live in their heaven and just leave the rest of us alone. Man, I just hate them.”

He continued on his screed for about a half-hour, blaming Christians for just about everything he considered wrong in the world, past and present.

Global warming? The Christians caused it.

Wars? From Cain and Able through the Crusades to the present conflicts around the world, the Christians were behind them.

AIDS? A Christian plot to wipe out gay people.

Poverty and hunger? Greedy Christians.

Slavery? Lazy Christians.

The Conservatives’ Tea Party? Racist Christians who want to take over the country.

The obesity epidemic? You got it, gluttonous Christians.

Capitalism? Ignorant Christians who just don’t understand how Socialism works.

On and on he went. So full of vitriol I couldn’t help wondering what Christian had hurt him so deeply as to cause such animus.

Eventually his buddy got him talking about cars and his conversation mellowed a bit. At least until he remembered that Christians were responsible for the high costs of auto parts and repair. And then his rant continued.

Eventually they left, much to the apparent relief of most of those around him in the bookstore.

I watched as he backed out of his parking space, and got close enough for me to read the most prominent bumper sticker on his car. It stated simply:

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

IF A SKATEBOARDER FALLS IN THE STREET, IS IT STILL NOT A CRIME …


The speed limit was 35 mph. I was going about 3.5 mph. Behind a couple of skateboarders. Who apparently thought they had as much right to the lane of traffic as cars do.

They knew I was behind them yet they continued to ride abreast, slowly, chatting while throwing Skittles® down their gullets. After a few interminable minutes, I popped my car horn. They looked back at me, for about the fifth time, and slowly wheeled over into the oncoming lane of traffic (without any cars in it).

As I drove forward, now unimpeded by their leisurely swaying back and forth atop their fugly decks, one of them yelled at me, “There’s no sidewalk, you know!” Their grasp of the obvious and their ability to verbalize so intelligently, was almost stunning.

To which I replied, “You’re no car, you know!” My own grasp of the obvious equally stunning.

In keeping with their considerate and gentlemanly ways, they both flipped me off.

So the question is: who was right?

A couple of obvious newbs, one regular and one goofy, sessioning the street, with an entitlement attitude?

Or me?

Discuss among yourselves and let me know in the comments.

Monday, September 6, 2010

DUDE. SERIOUSLY. NEXT TIME I PICK THE POOL.


And another Monday Morning Chuckle hits the post.