FROM CORPULENT COWS TO BABY BUNNIES, WE’RE ALL TOGETHER IN THIS METHANE MESS

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“Oh geez, E,” she sighed with resignation, “do you have to fart in the car?”

Having just finished reading Benjamin Franklin’s Thirteen Virtues, and feeling a bit smart-ish (yes, that can be a word), I responded, “Well, according to Ben Franklin, I’m to let all things have their places, and let each part of my business have its time.”

She looked at me … actually, she gave me that look … and said, “You’re saying Ben Franklin told you to fart in the car? Really?”

“Well-l-l-l, no. But in my defense, I didn’t think it would be so fetid.”

Okay. So it wasn’t a defense, and I should have had a semblance of consideration for her, and not squeezed cheese in a small enclosure, but …

It reminded me of when one of my daughters asked, “Do bunnies fart?”

http://www.sciencemuseum.org.uk/onlinestuff/snot/do_rabbits_fart.aspx

I’m sure I gave her some sort of creative, funny and perhaps marginally accurate answer, but the right answer is, of course, yes.

People fart. Bunnies fart. Cows fart. Heck, even women have been known to gently and genteelly pass wind.

But I was surprised to learn that the worst offender of flailing flatulence is … termites. With billions of the insects around the world, eating 24/7, that means they’re also manufacturing methane gas and expelling it into the atmosphere and contributing to the global warming concern. It’s just one more reason to be concerned about termites invading your home.

So now you have a little tidbit to throw into the middle of a boring conversation at that next dinner party you have to attend. Aa-a-and, you’re welcome.

THE WORLD WOULD BE OKAY, IF IT WASN’T FOR ALL THOSE “OTHER” PEOPLE

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“I hate Christians,” was his opening salvo. “Especially those ‘born-again’ Christians. They’re the most hateful, mean-spirited, racist, homophobic, close-minded, judgemental a$s#o1es I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet. Why don’t they just all die and go live in their heaven and just leave the rest of us alone. Man, I just hate them.”

He continued on his screed for about a half-hour, blaming Christians for just about everything he considered wrong in the world, past and present.

Global warming? The Christians caused it.

Wars? From Cain and Able through the Crusades to the present conflicts around the world, the Christians were behind them.

AIDS? A Christian plot to wipe out gay people.

Poverty and hunger? Greedy Christians.

Slavery? Lazy Christians.

The Conservatives’ Tea Party? Racist Christians who want to take over the country.

The obesity epidemic? You got it, gluttonous Christians.

Capitalism? Ignorant Christians who just don’t understand how Socialism works.

On and on he went. So full of vitriol I couldn’t help wondering what Christian had hurt him so deeply as to cause such animus.

Eventually his buddy got him talking about cars and his conversation mellowed a bit. At least until he remembered that Christians were responsible for the high costs of auto parts and repair. And then his rant continued.

Eventually they left, much to the apparent relief of most of those around him in the bookstore.

I watched as he backed out of his parking space, and got close enough for me to read the most prominent bumper sticker on his car. It stated simply:

IF A SKATEBOARDER FALLS IN THE STREET, IS IT STILL NOT A CRIME …

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The speed limit was 35 mph. I was going about 3.5 mph. Behind a couple of skateboarders. Who apparently thought they had as much right to the lane of traffic as cars do.

They knew I was behind them yet they continued to ride abreast, slowly, chatting while throwing Skittles® down their gullets. After a few interminable minutes, I popped my car horn. They looked back at me, for about the fifth time, and slowly wheeled over into the oncoming lane of traffic (without any cars in it).

As I drove forward, now unimpeded by their leisurely swaying back and forth atop their fugly decks, one of them yelled at me, “There’s no sidewalk, you know!” Their grasp of the obvious and their ability to verbalize so intelligently, was almost stunning.

To which I replied, “You’re no car, you know!” My own grasp of the obvious equally stunning.

In keeping with their considerate and gentlemanly ways, they both flipped me off.

So the question is: who was right?

A couple of obvious newbs, one regular and one goofy, sessioning the street, with an entitlement attitude?

Or me?

Discuss among yourselves and let me know in the comments.

DUDE. SERIOUSLY. NEXT TIME I PICK THE POOL.

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And another Monday Morning Chuckle hits the post.

IF YOU WORK, THIS IS YOUR WEEKEND TO CELEBRATE

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It started on May 11, 1894, when around 3,000 union workers started a wildcat strike against the Pullman Palace Car Company in Pullman, Illinois. Traffic west of Chicago quickly ground to a halt. By the time the strike ended two months later, it had grown nationwide, involved more than two dozen states and around a quarter of a million unionists. Violence, threats of violence, about a dozen deaths, and more than a third of a million dollars in damage (which, adjusted for 2010 dollars would be almost $9 Million today), as well as having ignored court injunctions and interfered with U.S. Mail delivery, forced the hand of President Grover Cleveland to intervene. He sent in U.S. Marshalls and thousands of army troops to put down the strike.

Because of the intense conflict, and seeking to soothe the wounds of the unionists involved, the Congress passed legislation declaring a national Labor Day holiday, signed by Cleveland, within a week of the strike’s end.

Even though the power and influence of labor unions has significantly waned since its heyday, it remains a celebration of labor by many, but mostly a celebration of the “end” of summer.

Now you know.

IF I HAVE TWO APPLES, DOES THE CLOSET DOOR SPEAK ROCK …

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I can’t tell you the number of conversations I have overheard (or surreptitiously eavesdropped upon) where one of the people, obviously not paying close enough attention to the context, will drop an absolutely unrelated and irrelevant comment into the middle of everything.

In a conversation among five women, what started out as excitement about a sale at Payless Shoes, migrated into a wishful discussion about high-end shoes. At one point, one of the women said, “I’m overdue for some Louboutins, if you know what I mean.” To which another women responded, “I know. I’ve been telling my husband for over a month that we need a lube and oil change.” Followed by silence and stares.

I know that Louboutin is typically pronounced lube-it-on, but there should never be confusion between a thousand dollar pair of French shoes and a twenty dollar oil change, no matter how little you were paying attention. As my wife would say, “You need to sprinkle a little relevancy dust on that one, honey.”

And to give fair exposure to the hairier sex, I was at my mechanic’s waiting for my Escort to get struts replaced, when their conversation turned to the neighborhood’s favorite fish fry. One of the guy’s said, “I am so looking forward to perch tomorrow night.” One of the other guys responded, “Really? You go to church Friday nights? That’s just weird.” Followed by silence and stares, then an eruption of laughter.

So here’s a bit of advice to those who stop paying attention to conversations. Before you open your mouth to comment, be sure to begin paying attention for a bit before you speak. It may save you the embarrassment of hearing, “You need to sprinkle a little relevancy dust on that one, honey.”

YOUR POTENTIAL JOB HANGS IN THE BALANCE. HOW WILL YOU ANSWER …

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“Answering the following questions will determine your eligibility for hire.”

It was a rather intimidating statement. Answer them right, and you’re eligible to be hired. Answer them wrong, and it’s bye-bye applicant.

Question 1: Who has the right of way?

A) Bus Drivers courteously yield the right of way.

B) Bus Drivers always have the right of way.

C) What the heck is right of way.

D) Who cares.

Question 2: Do you understand the term, traffic flow?

A) Yes, and I try to match it whenever it is safe to do so.

B) Yes, but Bus Drivers don’t have to pay any attention to it.

C) Traffic flow, schmaffic flow.

D) Who cares.

Question 3: How often should you be considerate of other drivers?

A) Bus Drivers should always be considerate of other drivers and pedestrians.

B) Bus Drivers are not required to be considerate of other drivers and pedestrians.

C) Too many syllables in the word, considerate.

D) Who cares.

Question 4: What do the lines on streets mean?

A) Designation of lanes of traffic and walkways.

B) Bus Drivers don’t need to color within the lines.

C) There are lines on the streets?

D) Who cares.

Question 5: Should Bus Drivers wait for passengers running to catch the bus?

A) Absolutely. A few more seconds waiting won’t matter and the passenger will really appreciate it.

B) Never. When a Bus Driver’s gotta go, he or she has gotta go.

C) Running is good for people and they should do more of it.

D) Who cares.

Based upon the driving behavior of way too many bus drivers, any answer other than “A” would apparently make them eligible for hire.