IF I HAVE TWO APPLES, DOES THE CLOSET DOOR SPEAK ROCK …

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I can’t tell you the number of conversations I have overheard (or surreptitiously eavesdropped upon) where one of the people, obviously not paying close enough attention to the context, will drop an absolutely unrelated and irrelevant comment into the middle of everything.

In a conversation among five women, what started out as excitement about a sale at Payless Shoes, migrated into a wishful discussion about high-end shoes. At one point, one of the women said, “I’m overdue for some Louboutins, if you know what I mean.” To which another women responded, “I know. I’ve been telling my husband for over a month that we need a lube and oil change.” Followed by silence and stares.

I know that Louboutin is typically pronounced lube-it-on, but there should never be confusion between a thousand dollar pair of French shoes and a twenty dollar oil change, no matter how little you were paying attention. As my wife would say, “You need to sprinkle a little relevancy dust on that one, honey.”

And to give fair exposure to the hairier sex, I was at my mechanic’s waiting for my Escort to get struts replaced, when their conversation turned to the neighborhood’s favorite fish fry. One of the guy’s said, “I am so looking forward to perch tomorrow night.” One of the other guys responded, “Really? You go to church Friday nights? That’s just weird.” Followed by silence and stares, then an eruption of laughter.

So here’s a bit of advice to those who stop paying attention to conversations. Before you open your mouth to comment, be sure to begin paying attention for a bit before you speak. It may save you the embarrassment of hearing, “You need to sprinkle a little relevancy dust on that one, honey.”

YOUR POTENTIAL JOB HANGS IN THE BALANCE. HOW WILL YOU ANSWER …

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“Answering the following questions will determine your eligibility for hire.”

It was a rather intimidating statement. Answer them right, and you’re eligible to be hired. Answer them wrong, and it’s bye-bye applicant.

Question 1: Who has the right of way?

A) Bus Drivers courteously yield the right of way.

B) Bus Drivers always have the right of way.

C) What the heck is right of way.

D) Who cares.

Question 2: Do you understand the term, traffic flow?

A) Yes, and I try to match it whenever it is safe to do so.

B) Yes, but Bus Drivers don’t have to pay any attention to it.

C) Traffic flow, schmaffic flow.

D) Who cares.

Question 3: How often should you be considerate of other drivers?

A) Bus Drivers should always be considerate of other drivers and pedestrians.

B) Bus Drivers are not required to be considerate of other drivers and pedestrians.

C) Too many syllables in the word, considerate.

D) Who cares.

Question 4: What do the lines on streets mean?

A) Designation of lanes of traffic and walkways.

B) Bus Drivers don’t need to color within the lines.

C) There are lines on the streets?

D) Who cares.

Question 5: Should Bus Drivers wait for passengers running to catch the bus?

A) Absolutely. A few more seconds waiting won’t matter and the passenger will really appreciate it.

B) Never. When a Bus Driver’s gotta go, he or she has gotta go.

C) Running is good for people and they should do more of it.

D) Who cares.

Based upon the driving behavior of way too many bus drivers, any answer other than “A” would apparently make them eligible for hire.

IT’S FROM THE GOVERNMENT … IT’S HERE TO HELP YOU …

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“You MUST respond to this for your own good.” That’s what was on the subject line of the ominous sounding email. And it was from the FBI Director. No, not J. Edgar. The current Director, Robert F. Mueller, III. Oh yeah, and it was in my spam folder.

Now the really sad part of this email, is that there are people who, unfortunately, respond to it. “After all,” they say, “you can’t ignore the FBI, can you?.”

So consider this a friendly public service announcement.

IT’S NOT FROM THE FBI, PEOPLE.

And here’s a few tips on how to tell if it’s real.

Number One. If your email provider has already thrown it in your spam folder, it’s not real. IT’S SPAM, get it? (I mean, not the real Spam®, of which I am a huge fan. Because if it was the real Spam® I would be all up and in its face. No wait, reverse that. It would be all up and in my face.) To repeat, if it’s already in your spam folder, leave it alone. It’s not real.

Number Two. It’s from the FBI Director, Robert F. Mueller, III. Close, but no cigar. The real name of the real FBI Director is Robert S. Mueller, III. I know. “F” can sound like “S” but in an email, believe me, the FBI Director is not going to misspell his own name.

Number Three. It’s from the FBI Director. Even if it says it’s from Robert S. Mueller, it’s not really from him. Seriously, the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation is not going to send you a personal email, unless you know him personally. And then, he’s probably going to indicate it’s from Bob, or Robby, or Swan (which is what the middle initial “S” stands), or Mr. Froo Froo, or whatever personal name you know him as.

Number Four. “You MUST respond to this for your own good.” Wow. I’m so glad that was in the subject line. I wasn’t going to fall for that FBI Director thing, but when the subject line said I “MUST” respond, and it was in all caps, well, if it was a bad email they wouldn’t say that, would they? OF COURSE THEY WOULD! What do you expect the bad people to say, “Virus Enclosed,” or “Phishing attempt,” or “From bad people hoping to do you or your computer harm”?

To recount – if it’s from the FBI, it’s not from the FBI.

P.S. You MUST comment on this posting for your own good.

WHOA … THAT’S WHAT THEY MEANT BY “FIXED” ??

BUT IT WASN’T BROKEN …

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If you chuckled, it must be Monday Morning.

DO THESE PANTS MAKE MY EGO LOOK BIG …

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Over the years I’ve heard a lot of words and phrases for the those with overinflated egos. There are the common – like vain, narcissistic, snob, big-headed, arrogant, conceited, stuck up, egotistical, and many more.

But this may be the most memorable description I’ve heard:

“Her ego matches the size of her butt.”

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT A CHECKOUT PERSON BE ABLE TO DO SIMPLE MATH …

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She was a pleasant enough girl, and proficient at grabbing the items, scanning them, and then putting them in the plastic bag. But when it came time to make change, the elevator carrying her brain got stuck between floors.

“Your total comes to $7.57,” she said.

I handed her a ten dollar bill, two singles, three quarters and two pennies – $12.77.

She counted it and said, “You gave me too much, sir. It’s only $7.57.”

I told her to just enter it in the cash register and I would get back the change I wanted.

“But it’s too much,” she repeated, as she tried to give me back the two singles and the two pennies.

I assured her that it would work out. Just enter $12.77 in the register, and I would get back $5.20 in change.

“Really?” she asked, as her eyes went a bit wide. “You can do that in your head?”

She dutifully entered $12.77 in the register and sure enough, it informed her that my change was $5.20.

She handed me my change and said, “That was really cool.”

I told her thanks and went on my way.

But seriously, if you've graduated from high school … heck, if you’ve graduated from elementary school, shouldn’t you be able to do simple math … in your head? Or at the very least, not be so surprised that someone else can.

GOOD PLUMS VERSUS BAD PLUMBS …

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“This may be the breakthrough theory you’ve been looking for to explain why life doesn’t always flow the way we want it,” he said. He had just walked authoritatively to the front of the room of around 300 people, turned to face us, took off his wire-rimmed glasses, paused for what I assume was some sort of visual effect, put them back on, and made his opening statement.

“That is why you’re here, isn’t it?” he continued. “To find out why life doesn’t always flow the way we want it, and what to do about it.”

In fact, that is why we were there. That was, after all, the name of workshop.

“A friend of mine recently shared something with me,” he said. “It deals with scientific theory regarding human reaction in anticipation of unexpected movement. He called it the ‘Horizontal Infinity Plumb String, or HIPS, Principle’.”

Without boring you over some of the so-called technical/scientific explanations he bored us with, essentially the HIPS Principle says that infinite life flows along a horizontal line, and often, without warning and out of the darkness, comes a “something” (the plumb at the end of a string) that can knock us off the path.

Personally, I find the HIPS Principle to be more allegorical than technical or scientific, but then, I’m a writer not a scientist.

So here we are, walking merrily along the path of life, when our “spidey” sense alerts us to impending danger. Something coming at us, unexpectedly, out of the dark. I … I think it’s a plumb. Probably a big heavy one.

Uh-oh! Now what??

Here’s the quiz part: Do you …

a) Continue merrily walking along life’s path, ignoring your “spidey” sense? Or …

b) Okay, your “spidey” sense has just alerted you to impending danger … so what do you think you should do?

Right, you get out of the way. Common sense. No need to spend $395 for a four hour workshop to be told to do what should come naturally. (I was so thankful I had a complimentary ticket.)

Assuming you passed the quiz, let’s continue with Mr. Workshop Guy.

For the next three hours, he belabors his advice on what to do when life doesn’t flow the way we want it. It boils down to three points.

First, be aware of what’s happening around you.

Second, when you sense or feel you’re about to be hit, duck.

Third, move forward.

So now you know and you can save yourself $400.

Be aware, duck and move forward.