WHERE’S MY WATER …
May your Monday Morning Chuckle be happier than Mr. Kitty’s
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
YOU HAVE ONLY SECONDS TO REACT. WHICH WAY WILL YOU GO …
I’m a big fan of spontaneous moments of unexpected joy.
Like watching the reaction of the elderly woman at Denny’s Restaurant when a stranger paid for her and her friend’s breakfast. Her face lit up like a perfect Christmas morning.
Or the look of surprised realization when a child sees the bunny in the sky instead of just the clouds.
But this morning I was taken aback when, in an instant, what would normally be considered a day-ruining event became a wonder-filled celebration.
The rain had fallen suddenly and fully. Sewer grates and curbs were overflowing. Umbrellas were the uniform of the morning.
The gentleman stood close to the intersection, waiting to cross, dressed impeccably in suit and tie, lost in the screen of his iPad. A car driving a bit too close to the curb, without warning, created a splash that literally drenched the middle-aged executive. Most people who saw it happen visibly gasped in sympathetic reaction.
He stood motionless for a few seconds. He put his iPad in the inner pocket of his soaked suit, closed his umbrella, looked up into the falling rain and smiled. Then broke into the opening lyrics of, “Singing in the Rain.”
Most of those who had moments before gasped in sympathetic reaction now looked at him as if he were crazy. I just smiled, for a I realized that he had consciously decided to take a negative and turn it into a positive. His joy was obviously genuine, and I for one was thankful for it.
The rest of my day was sprinkled with smiles, every time I remembered the gentleman who turned a splash of unexpected adversity into a splash of unexpected joyfulness.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE …
Is this a “real” picture or a ‘shopped photograph?
In the real world of writing, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that it is a rich and dynamic source of storytelling. And whether you need to review art magazines or you can just sit back and let your mind put together a mix of unusual sights (or sounds or smells or whatever), just do it.
See it, hear it, smell it, then write it. You’ll be amazed at the wonderful worlds where your imagination can take you.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
FORGET YOUR
It was one of the more unusual statements I’ve ever heard an 8-year-old utter.
“I’m fierce. I’m bold. And you will remember me. Always.”
I asked her how she had come to proclaim such a statement.
“My mom always said that.”
“Said?” I asked her. “Doesn’t she say that anymore?”
“She died of cancer seven months ago.”
I told her how sorry I was about her loss, but I had to ask her why she said it.
“’Cause I want to be just like my mom,” she said with absolute conviction. Her eyes started to tear up, but after a few moments, she interrupted her gentle crying with, “I’m fierce. I’m bold. And you will remember me. Always.”
That happened almost ten years ago. And while I don’t know whatever became of her, one thing is certain … I do remember.
If you only had ten words to guide and motivate you, what would they be?
Monday, October 18, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
WHAT DO THEY GET, AFTER THE NET …
The pitchman said, “One hundred percent of all net proceeds is donated to …”
All of the emotional tugs and tearful hugs up to that point was having its intended effect. Purses, wallets, checkbooks were opening, debit and credit cards were getting ready. Most people would respond to the emotions. But there is a caveat.
Net proceeds.
Let’s say I’m offering a nice looking lapel pin for your donation of $1 and that I’ll give the net proceeds to charity. The pin cost me 15 cents to produce. After all, it really is a nice looking pin, all shiny and sparkly and noticeable, and those Chinese workers do have to get paid something. Then there’s shipping and handling – say 45 cents. Handling is always this nebulous charge, also known as a profit center. Add the promotional costs, administrative costs, and miscellaneous costs of, maybe another 30 cents. So far the gross cost is 90 cents of the $1 you’re donating. That leaves 10 cents. Oh, but I forgot the 7 cents in “other necessary” costs. So now we’re down to 3 cents out of that $1 you’re giving me. That’s the net proceeds.
Three cents. Not much real money going to help those in need, is it?
I’m not saying that all charities have such high costs. I am saying that the wise and careful contributor looks behind the tugs and hugs to see what how much of their dollar is really going to help.
But what happens if you donate $5 or $10 for that $1 lapel pin? Well, the unscrupulous will suddenly find that their shipping, handling, administrative, promotional, miscellaneous and “other necessary” costs increased. The net proceeds are, after all, a line item in the budget and may not be subject to change.
As we draw closer and closer to the holiday season, we are going to be subject to more and more appeals for our help.
Give generously. Give wisely.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
A SIMPLE FIX TO AN AGE-OLD PROBLEM …
In the “out of the mouths of babes” department, comes the answer to the age-old question on how to rid the world of hate.
“Just get rid of the letter ‘e’,” she said without hesitation.
“That was a very quick answer, Leslie,” the teacher said. “Any other suggestions?”
I thought Leslie’s teacher dismissed her answer a bit too quickly. After all, with the stroke of a good eraser, no one would ever again be subjected to, “I hate you.” Instead, everyone could get a little chuckle when in a fit of anger someone would scream, “I hat you!” At least, I would chuckle.
And there are more possibilities for ridding the world of some other maladies. Evil would disappear. Ego would simply go. “Rates” of interest would be more aptly described as “rats” of interest. We could celebrate the demise of greed. And a lot of men would be happy to trade having to share their “feelings” with women for simply having “flings” with women.
Of course, there is also the down side of getting rid of the letter “e”. Many would weep over the loss of beer and beef. In the cold of winter, we would have to settle for turning up the hat, since heat would be gone. And everybody I know would really prefer looking through panes of glass rather than pans of glass.
Some things of course wouldn’t really change that much. For example, a txt mssg would still be a txt mssg.
I know what you’re thinking. If we took Leslie’s advice, her name would just be Lsli and “Mr. E” would just be “Mr.” No longer could we shout “
My point to this post? Nothing but silliness. Sometimes, after the end of a particularly hard day, silliness is the best medicine.
Anyway, it’s tim to go to bd and gt som wll-arnd slp.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
HAVE YOUR PANTS EVER BEEN ON FIRE …
If you knew you would never be caught, would you ever lie on a job application or exaggerate your accomplishments or responsibilities on your resume? Why or why not?
If I answer “no” then I would be lying and they would probably disqualify me automatically. But if I answer “yes” then they will probably think I’m a liar and unworthy to be hired. But if I answer “no” then even if I would never lie or exaggerate they will think that everybody lies and exaggerates so they will conclude I’m lying. But if I answer “yes” they will think I must be a fool to disqualify myself by admitting to lying. But if I answer “no” then I answer “yes” but if I answer the question but if I don’t know what to do and I answer something but …
If your answer to that question would have you spending time with that kind of circular reasoning, you probably won’t be called back for the job.
It is a trick question, actually having nothing at all to do with the application or a resume. It is a question about self-awareness, character, and integrity.
Most employers believe that 99% of job applicants lie and/or exaggerate during the application and interviewing process. They expect it. But the answer to that question reveals a lot about a person’s value system. And where your answer falls on the spectrum of lies/exaggerations will mean different things to different employers.
But it’s the question they ask right after you answer the first question, that really reveals individual principles and honor. With maybe a dash of quick thinking.
The next question is: Have you lied or exaggerated during this application/interview process? Why or why not?
Monday, October 11, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
IT’S THE SEASON OF QUACKS …
I don’t know if this is a joke or a real story because I’ve variations of it over the years. But I had the pleasure of re-reading it today in Harvey Mackay’s newsletter and wanted to share it with my readers as well.
The kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring sheet and gave what she considered to be simple instructions: Color the duck yellow and the duck's umbrella green.
But when little Betsy turned in her paper, the teacher asked, "Didn't you understand the directions, Betsy? You colored the duck red and her umbrella blue. How often have you seen a red duck?"
Betsy didn't miss a beat. "About as often as I've seen a duck carrying an umbrella," she replied.
It’s a cute story, but it also offers us an important lesson about the current political season we are enduring.
Politicians want you to color things a certain way. And usually it’s the way that they are most comfortable and familiar with. But the reality is, while ducklings are often yellow, ducks are rarely so.
This political season, don’t just blindly follow instructions. Think about things. Deeply and critically. And in the end, if you feel strongly that your duck has to be red. Color it so.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
TOO MANY CANDLES, NOT ENOUGH SENSE …
My birthday is quickly approaching and having a number of “rewards” cards for local merchants I am receiving birthday wishes from some of them. Mostly, they mean nothing.
Some actually send a real gift. A free entrée, a $10 gift card and a free massage are keepers. Mainly, because they require no purchase and are useable. I like the “no purchase required” aspect, which means not only will I redeem these gifts but I am so much more likely to continue doing business with them.
On the other hand, are the “Are They Kidding?” gift givers. These guys just don’t get it.
Consider the restaurant that sends me birthday wishes and a coupon good for half-off the price of two desserts. Yes, I have to buy two desserts. But before I can to enjoy my half-off desserts I first have to buy two dinners, with beverages, but only between Monday and Thursday nights, except on holidays or other special events. So on a limited night, I would have to spend around $50 or more, and not only will I not get a complimentary dessert, if I want dessert I’ll have to pay half price and have to buy two in order to use the coupon. Are they kidding?!
Or how about the tools and supplies store that sent me a $5 gift card for my birthday? All I have to do to enjoy their magnanimous generosity is spend a minimum $50 before the end of the month. Of course, there are thirteen brands that I am excluded from purchasing with the $5 gift card, but hey, if I need fifty bucks worth of generic nails or light bulbs, they’re the go-to place. Are they kidding?!
And then there’s the truly thoughtful gift sent by an area hotel. A photocopied “Birthday Wishes Certificate” good for a free continental breakfast on Sunday morning, if I spend Friday and Saturday nights in one of their “luxury” suites. For those who don’t know, a “continental breakfast” is typically donuts/pastry and a beverage. The per night rack rate for accommodations? A mere $127.50. So for only $255 I can get a couple of free donuts and a cup of coffee. Happy birthday to me! Are they kidding?!?!
But what I really want to know is … how many suckers do they hook with that crap?
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
HORNS AND TAILS DO NOT A DEVIL NECESSARILY MAKE …
What does evil look like? What does it smell or sound like? Do you know what it tastes like? Would you recognize it if it touched you?
Is evil male or female? Tall or short? Fat or thin? Married or divorced?
Does it hide in the shadows or walk in the light? Is it capitalist or socialist? Is it living or dead? Can it make you do things you really don’t want to do?
Since the beginning of time, humanity has wrestled with evil, both real and imagined.
But we rarely think about it, until it’s too late. Until we are already engaged in the battle.
There is one strategy and three keys to winning any war. The strategy is preparation. The keys are (1) know yourself and your allies; (2) know your enemy; (3) be well armored and well armed.
“To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of preserving peace.” –George Washington
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
ARE YOU A ROCK COLLECTOR …
Our lives are filled with pebbles and stones and rocks and even a huge boulder every so often. We call them, things. Or more specifically, things we need to get done. Our little Post-it® reminders become not-so-little to-do lists which transform into a Getting Things Done® system which eventually morphs into a “help-me-I’m-drowning-in-clutter-and-stuff-and-need-to-simplify-and-minimize-my-life” revelation. Then we rinse and repeat.
We talk about balance and priorities. We worry about lost time and last minutes. We tell ourselves that what we want is what we need, effectively blurring the distinction between the two. And before we know it, we are tending to a rock garden.
Are you happy? Look around your life. Does every pebble and stone and rock add to the quality of your life, or does it merely add weight?
Lose the weight, save your life.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
HOW MANY DRAGONS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB …
“Daddy,” the five-year-old said, “do you believe in dragons?”
“Sure,” his father said.
“Have you ever seen one?” his son excitedly asked.
“No.”
“Then why do you believe in them?”
His father thought for a few seconds then said, “Because sometimes you have to believe in something before you actually see it.”
Such is the stuff of faith. And there are libraries dedicated to the power and practice of faith.
American author, Napoleon Hill wrote one of the best-selling books of all time, Think and Grow Rich, predicated on one of his most famous quotes: “What the mind of man can believe, the mind of man can achieve.” And there are plenty of similar tomes patterned after his book.
French philosopher Voltaire, penned that “Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe. It is not enough that a thing be possible for it to be believed.”
Or consider the words of the
And then there is my personal favorite: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen”, found in Hebrews 11:1 of the Bible.
Throughout the ages of man, faith has been a remarkable tool in his arsenal of advancement. And it shall be no different in our future.
Whether it’s believing in dragons or having enough belief to work through more than 10,000 attempts before discovering the American light bulb, faith plays its part.
Make it a part of your life.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
HOW DIRTY DO YOU HAVE TO BE BEFORE YOU’RE NO LONGER CLEAN …
If you’re in the business of cleaning, shouldn’t your own stuff be clean?
It seems counter-productive to drive a vehicle around, painted bright yellow so you are clearly noticed, prominently featuring the word “clean” in your business name, caked with dust, dirt and grime.
It is, after all, a mobile representation of your commitment to the service you propose to do for others. If you show up at my home or business, in a dirty truck, wearing a stained shirt, holes in your pants and shoes that look like they haven’t been cleaned and polished since the day you bought them, I’m not going to trust you to do a good job cleaning my home or business.
At the end of your task, I really don’t want to hear, “Well, it’s cleaner than it was before. That should be good enough.”
Good enough?
If 75% is good enough, does that mean when you need to replace all four tires on your car, and they only put three tires on, that’s “good enough”?
Maybe 85% is good enough for you. So when you give me your bill for $100, does that mean I only need to pay you $85, since that’s your standard for “good enough”?
And if “cleaner than it was before,” is your measure of success, then just giving you a few dollars should be good enough, since it will be “more than you had before.”
That is, assuming that I let you in my home or business in the first place, given that you showed up looking rather dirty and disheveled.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE AND DELIVER ON YOUR PROMISE …
Forget about fingernails raking across a chalkboard. This was rusty tines of an old metal rake gouging themselves deep into the slate of the soul. It was enough to send the undead, screaming in terror, back to hell where the wailing and gnashing of teeth would be a comfort to their decaying ears.
And then, in a $5 instant, the discordance rang with near perfect pitch and clarity. A song wonderfully recognizable and truly worth taking the time to stop and enjoy. Exactly one hundred and fifty seconds after it started, it abruptly stopped. For thirty seconds, there was silence.
Suddenly, the ear-splitting rail tore through the air, looking for another soul upon which to deeply rake itself. This time, it took only seven seconds for another thirty-second respite.
He carried on like that throughout the day. Alternating between the peal of perdition’s Dogs of Dissonance, the sweet sound of silence, and the hail of Heaven’s Dulcet Doves. Although seldom in that order.
Here was a homeless man who thoroughly understood the genius of marketing and the value of keeping one’s word. He started singing badly. Very badly. Very, very badly and very loudly. But for a buck, he would stop for a half-minute. If someone dropped in another buck during the silence, he would extend the quiet time another half-minute.
But the genius behind his cardboard promise, was his ability to sing beautifully, with strength and feeling. For exactly 2-½ minutes, whereupon he would immediately stop, even in mid-note. Unless someone had dropped another $5 in his sidewalk hat, whereupon he would continue through an additional 2-½ minutes.
It was, as it turned out, a very lucrative way to earn a living. He said he averaged $300 to $400 a day on non-holidays. From Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve, he averaged between $500 and $700 a day. All cash.
He wasn’t actually homeless. Although by dress and demeanor, he allowed passers-by to make that assumption.
Why did he do it? Simple. He enjoyed his independence, the daily interaction with people, and his minimalist lifestyle.
And I couldn’t really argue with him about that.
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